Monday, April 6, 2009

Political Teflon

Not much that one can add to the latest Danburst. Not even an Orwellian blogger could dream that DW would say in public: "They should be shot over there." I guess doing the separatists' work for them wasn't enough; now he wants to assist Orwellian News, too.

However, Orwellian News still wants to know: How does DW get away with it? DW is, among many things, the premier of NL. As he and his legions of fans never hesitate to shout and yell, he is in charge. He is The Leader. As such, DW is ultimately responsible for the running of government, which includes health care as one of its most important mandates.

Orwellian News can now report the answer: political Teflon. According to an anonymous source in Sector 7-G (West Block), DW and his entire cabinet get secret Teflon applications each day. The Teflon spray prevents any bad news from sticking to them. It enables them, with a straight face, to take credit for anything that goes right (including the price of oil) and to disclaim responsibility for anything that goes wrong.

How does this work? It sounds complicated, but it's actually quite simple. The Teflon contains a semantic cream that alters the way in which the English language is transmitted and received. Specifically, it enables DW and members of cabinet to switch from "we" to "they" (and back again), according to a portable Blamemeter leased from Globex Corporation. Once the Blamemeter reaches a certain level, the speaker simply swaps "we" and "they," depending on which option maximizes political gain and minimizes actual responsibility.

You can see the results in today's interview. In the CBC story, DW is quoted as saying, "They should be shot over there," and "They've learned absolutely nothing."

By contrast, when DW speaks about NALCO -- an analogous agency -- he always uses we. It's not NALCO but "we" who are looking forward to working with Emera. It's not they but "we" who have concluded a sale agreement.

Dupont, the maker of Teflon, denies that there are any health risks associated with long-term exposure to political Teflon. Studies examining the link between use of non-stick coating and the election of George W. Bush proved inconclusive.

In one scientific experiment at Harvard University, subjects who faced long-term exposure to political Teflon reported poor memory and persistent verbal tics, such as a compulsion to say the words, "master," "you know," "go forward," and "traitor." But before the experiment could be finished, the participants began fighting with each other and ran outside to take down the university's flag.

Nonetheless, the New York Times has continued to investigate the health affects of political Teflon. As the headline to one story put is, "Teflon Is Great for Politicians, but Is It Safe for Regular People?"

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